Volume 50: The End is Nigh!

As I sit and write this, my 50th post for MayoNoise, the metallic corners of the internet are all a-buzz with the announcement that Black Sabbath will embark on their final world tour. This final trek has been officially dubbed ‘The End’, and it was announced via a striking advert that reads “THE FINAL TOUR BY THE GREATEST HEAVY METAL BAND OF ALL TIME”. Listed just under that pronouncement are the names OZZY OSBOURNE, TONY IOMMI, and GEEZER BUTLER. Bill Ward’s name is conspicuous in its absence.

If you read my blog, you know this already. You also know why Ward’s name isn’t on the poster. It’s early yet; maybe they will wrap the tour in Birmingham and have Ward play that set, or a short set at the end of the show(s)… Hopefully they will do the right thing; I sincerely hope everyone involved can find a way to do end Black Sabbath that will include Bill Ward. But regardless; Black Sabbath have announced ‘The End’, and after The End, for me, Metal is over.

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Two days previous to announcing ‘The End’, Lemmy ended a Motorhead set in Austin, Texas after just three songs, saying “I can’t do it” and walking off the stage. Cancelled gigs and postponed tours have become commonplace for Motorhead since 2013, when a plethora of health issues began to plague their fearless leader. Lemmy has stated that he’ll probably die on stage, and, looking back over the last 7 days, it looks like Lem meant what he said and said what he meant. As ever. “I don’t wanna live forever!” indeed. Still, how sad was it to see Lemmy, who turns 70 in December, hobble off stage, with the aid of a cane, after apologizing to the Texas crowd. Lemmy: We love you. Go home and take it easy. Job done.

Bruce Dickinson and Tony Iommi have had recent cancer scares; Malcom Young succumbed to dementia. Bun E. Carlos and Bill Ward have both had to watch their bands carry on without them due to diminished physical capabilities brought on by aging (and, in the case of Ward, likely compounded by years of substance abuse). Craig Gruber, AJ Pero, Allen Lanier, Trevor Bolder, and RJD… It’s as if the Grim Reaper stepped out of one of the gazillion album covers he adorns and began stalking our heroes, ending their lives and/or careers. Who will be the Figure in Black’s next Chosen One? Motorhead resumed the tour in St. Louis a few days after the Texas walk-off… but how much longer can he soldier on?

Ronnie James Dio’s death was a wake up call for me. I have been listening to Heavy Metal seriously since 1976. After forty years of music from these guys, you kind of get used to having them around. These bands and the people in them become part of your life. My favorite bands: AC/DC, Cheap Trick, Motorhead, Deep Purple, Black Sabbath and Rush… these bands have been with me for 4 decades. Like good friends, they have always been there when I needed them, during good times and bad. It’s a unique relationship; Metal fans are more passionate about their music and the musicians that make it than fans of any other genre of music. And with Dio’s passing, I realized that if The Man on the Silver Mountain could die, then all of my heroes were really just men; men who will grow old. Men who will eventually die. My Favorite Bands of All Time are dancing perilously close to the edge…

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Some of them are growing old gracefully: Rush are acknowledging that playing such physically demanding music gets tougher with the passage of each year, and are tailoring their final years to accommodate this reality. If ‘Clockwork Angels’ is the last Rush album, I’m ok with that. And how long can Iron Maiden continue to perform at their standard level of intensity? Their current strategy of staging shorter tours with longer breaks will buy them a few years, but cancer has already intervened once… As far as their current music, I don’t know what to make of IM’s latest 92-minute opus; it will probably take me the next five years to absorb it. Motorhead may now have no choice in the matter, but if they are in fact all done, they’ve left us with a real scorcher of an album in ‘Bad Magic’, with music full of piss and vinegar, and lyrics filled with thinly veiled goodbyes.

Now would be an excellent time to end it. I mean right now. Deep Purple’s ‘Now What?!’ album is one of their very best records, but the band are planning to do another. Don’t! End your 40+ year career on a high note! Don’t wind the band up with another ‘Bananas’! And I really don’t want to live in a world where a Cheap Trick album exists that does NOT include Bun E. Carlos on the drums. Their last record, ‘The Latest’, was strong; in fact, all of their albums since ‘going indie’ in 1996 have been strong… But a Bun-less CT album will be unwelcome in my home. AC/DC may have hung around for one album too many; ‘Black Ice’ broke records across the globe, but ‘Rock or Bust’ wasn’t quite the global phenomenon expected, and, while I like the album a lot, an AC/DC album without any contributions from Malcom Young needs to be considered carefully… Also, Angus Young, everybody’s favorite naughty schoolboy, is now 60 years old… Class Dismissed!

Lo, ‘The End’ will surely be the end. When the Pantheon of Old Gods is gone, who will be the New Gods? Slayer released a new album this week; just after a much-publicized spat between guitarist Kerry King and Mayhem Festival organizer Kevin Lyman. Lyman was bitching about low attendance during this year’s tour. While Lyman blamed the ‘metal scene’ in general, his issue was clearly with his aging headliners:

“The bands at the top all demand a certain level of fee to be on a tour. Unlike punk rock, metal never knows how to take a step back to move the whole scene forward…What happened was metal chased girls away because what happened was metal aged. Metal got gray, bald and fat.”

King came back with a statement calling Lyman’s remarks ‘business suicide’, and he was right: The 2015 Mayhem run was the last. But Lyman failed to acknowledge the lack of young bands developing into headliners over the past 20 years. During the eight year existence of his festival, which launched in 2008, the festival organizer soon found himself resorting to adding ‘older’ bands to key positions on the bill. Lyman wouldn’t have to resort to costly ‘grey, bald and fat’ bands if there were younger bands capable of filling arenas. When the old guard is gone, who’s gonna sell tickets?

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It saddens me to think that, in our lifetimes, we will live in a world with no Lemmy, no Alice Cooper or Ozzy, no Jimmy Page, Ritchie Blackmore, Rob Halford… No Schenkers, no Youngs… No larger-than-life characters, no living legends, no more heroes. Of course we’ll still have Dave Grohl, but he’ll have no one to jam with! Slash, maybe? Kiss will still be around though. I’m willing to bet that Gene Simmons has been grooming his son Nick for years to take over as Bat Lizard 2.0. The inevitable reality TV show to find the next Starchild will surprise no one.

Most of my favorite bands originated in the 1970s. That they survived the MTV ’80s and the alternative ’90s is nothing short of a miracle. I am grateful that they’ve been able to continue their careers so far beyond their original expiration dates. Back in 1978, no one would have guessed that any of these bands would still be touring and releasing viable music in 2015. I value everything they have given us over the last three or four decades, both good and bad, and I truly wish it could go on forever, that all of my heroes were immortal. But when Sabbath reaches the end of ‘The End’, it will likely be 2017. By then, my friends, the glory days will be well and truly over. How perfect that the band that started it all will be the band that presides over the funeral services.

And the Grammy Goes to… HELL!!

Tired of being pissed off at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame every year? Need somewhere else to direct your hatred toward what’s left of the music industry? Well then, why not try hatin’ on the Grammys this year?

“The GRAMMYs are the only peer-presented award to honor artistic achievement, technical proficiency and overall excellence in the recording industry, without regard to album sales or chart position.”

So says NARAS, or the National Association of Recording Arts and Sciences. A noble sentiment. It all made sense until 1989. This is the year that NARAS added the Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance Vocal or Instrumental category for the 31st Annual Grammy Awards.

The Grammys’ entire Heavy Metal history is cringe-worthy. When NARAS finally decided to stop ignoring an entire genre of music (one that had moved hundreds of millions of records throughout it’s history) and recognize the existence of Hard Rock and Heavy Metal, Metal Nation was initially pleased. But when faced with the daunting task of actually listening to Heavy Metal, the Academy gave the first award to the only nominated record they could actually get through: Jethro Tull’s ‘Crest Of A Knave’. After this debacle, which was viewed by the rest of the music world as a major embarrassment, the Academy should have just called it quits and left HR & HM alone. But NARAS needed to correct its mistake, and awarded 1990’s Metal Grammy to Metallica for their cover of Queen’s ‘Stone Cold Crazy’. Metallica would have won no matter what they released that year. And thus began Grammy’s 25-year love affair with Metallica, who won the third year as well. It’s a great strategy: Stick with the band that has the word ‘Metal’ in it’s name. It’s like awarding the Grammy for Best Blues Performance to Blue Oyster Cult every other year.

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NARAS couldn’t even get the category right. After the ’89 debacle, the Grammy committee split the category in two, creating a separate category for Hard Rock Performance in 1990. There! All Fixed! Then, in 2012, the category was re-combined again into a single category, Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance. Okay then. And, just in case you needed more evidence of the Academy’s total and utter ineptitude when it comes to these genres, the category was split again in 2014. Ya know what? We’re good. Just leave us alone.

A cursory glance at the list of nominees and winners in this category is a depressing slog through the last 25 years of mainstream metal. Godsmack, Korn, Mudvayne, White Zombie, Cradle of Filth… Nine Inch Nails? I grant that it’s a lot harder to recognize “artistic achievement, technical proficiency and overall excellence” in these genres today than it was twenty five years ago. There have been occasions where the Academy has gotten it right; nods for Motorhead’s ‘1916’ and Faith No More’s ‘Angel Dust’ album spring to mind. Machine Head’s ‘The Aesthetics of Hate’, nominated in 2008, was certainly the best metal song I heard that year. Of course, none of these songs actually won, and these nominations are still the exceptions that prove the rule: 99.999% of the time, the Academy gets it wrong.

And how does NARAS address the 30 year period in the genre’s history that came before these categories were created? With their unfortunately-named ‘Hall of Fame’ award. This award is intended to honor recordings that are at least twenty-five years old and that have “qualitative or historical significance“. Led Zeppelin’s debut has been awarded a HoF Grammy, as has ‘IV’; the individual songs ‘Stairway to Heaven’ and ‘Whole Lotta Love’ have also received HoF Grammys. Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody and ‘We Will Rock You/We are the Champions’ singles have also been recognized. But that’s it. A nice gesture, but it it’s too little, too late, as it doesn’t exactly address the previous 30 years of Metal in any substantive way. Seriously, how can any Hard Rock band be awarded a Grammy when Rush didn’t win one for ‘Moving Pictures’? None of Black Sabbath’s supremely important first six albums won them a Grammy, but the ‘God is Dead?’, the single pulled from the tired rehash of the ’13’ album, did. Deep Purple (‘Machine Head’! ‘Made in Japan’! ‘Perfect Strangers’!) doesn’t have any Grammys, yet Slipknot has one…

To further illustrate how useless this award is, I’d like to point out that several live songs and cover versions have been nominated over the years. ‘Live’? Really? Don’t we all know by now that anything that claims to have been ‘recorded live’ is probably as bogus as Milli Vanilli (Grammy Winners, 1990!)? C’mon… Furthermore, does anyone truly believe that a ‘live’ version of Ozzy’s “I Don’t Want to Change the World” was the best Metal Performance of 1994? Out of every single performance recorded during that year? Mr. O. has such an extensive history of – ahem – “assistance” in the vocal department, both live and in the studio, that awarding a Grammy to this clown for a vocal performance is like awarding an Olympic medal for Freestyle Steroid Use. His Ozz-ness won again for his um, absolutely spectacular vocal performance of ‘Iron Man’ from Black Sabbath’s live ‘Reunion’ album in 2000. They should have given him 3 gramophone statues for that performance, because if you listen closely, you’ll hear 3 Ozzys singing on that track.

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If a band is nominated (or win) for a cover version, what does that say about how NARAS regards their original music? Anthrax (once called ‘the highest-paid cover band in history’ by Kerrang! magazine) was nominated 2 years in a row for cover versions, and their ‘Attack of the Killer B’s’ album, filled with covers, joke tunes, live songs, and other worthless junk, was nominated in1992. Motorhead have been nominated twice for covers of Metallica songs (!!!), one of which actually won in ’05. I’m gratified that Motorhead can call themselves ‘Grammy Winners’, but isn’t this just another way the Academy gets to kiss Metallica’s ass? Nominate Motorhead’s ‘Inferno’ album from the same year of GTFO. And If Megadeth’s throwaway cover of Sabbath’s ‘Paranoid’, tossed off on a soundtrack album, was the HM genre’s ‘artistic achievement’ of the year in 1996, then I’ll eat my studded writst bands.

(Fun Grammy Fact: Metallica and Megadeth, 2 bands forever linked by a dysfunctional family history, are both Grammy record-holders: While Metallica holds the record for most Metal Grammys won (6, including an award for the awful ‘St. Anger’ album), Megadeth holds the distinction of garnering the most Metal Grammy nominations (9) without ever winning one. I’m betting that fact doesn’t bother Dave Mustaine ONE. SINGLE. BIT.)

The travesty continues into 2015, with two Ronnie Dio-related covers nominated for this year’s Grammys: Anthrax’s cover of Black Sabbath’s ‘Neon Knights’ and unfunny joke Tenacious D’s cover of Dio’s ‘The Last in Line’; I can just imagine RJD spinning in his grave (33 1/3 revolutions per minute, no doubt) as I write. That a by-the-numbers cover of this classic song is nominated for a Grammy Award, while the original version remains unrecognized for its “qualitative or historical significance” is an excellent illustration of the ludicrous nature of this entire enterprise. And if comedy rock duo Tenacious D wins the Grammy for Best Hard Rock/Metal Performance for covering a song by the legendary Ronnie James Dio, after a decades of goofing on Ronnie and metal in general, I swear to God I seal up my ear holes with Gorilla Glue and never listen to music again.

STOP THE MADNESS. NARAS shouldn’t be giving awards to genres and styles of music it clearly does not understand. They’ve demonstrated time and again that they do not ‘get’ Heavy Metal. I’d love to see Scott Ian or Lemmy get up there this year and outright refuse it, and publicly denounce the entire farce. Grammys? We don’t need no stinkin’ Grammys! But then again, we wouldn’t actually get to see that, as the awards for HM/HR are awarded off-camera every year. So much for ‘legitimacy’. And remember when the Academy failed to include Slayer’s Jeff Hanneman in their ‘In Memoriam’ segment in 2014? That’s two-time Grammy winner Jeff Hanneman?? I got your ‘legitimacy’, right here.

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Still the red-headed step-child. And that’s okay. Hard Rock and Heavy Metal have always existed –nay, thrived– outside the boundaries of legitimacy, propriety, critical validation and mainstream acceptance. Let’s keep it that way. Besides, raising the likes of Rob Zombie and Marylin Manson into the esteemed company of Miles Davis, Ennio Morricone, Ray Charles, Johnny Cash, Stevie Wonder, etc. is absolutely ludicrous. There are a handful of Hard Rock/Metal records since 1990 that would sit well in that kind of company*; but Jack Black parodying one of the all time greats sure ain’t one.

*Slayer – ‘Reign In Blood’

Raging Slab – ‘Dynamite Monster Boogie Concert’,

Opeth – ‘Watershed’, ‘Blackwater Park’, ‘Ghost Reveries’

Enslaved – ‘Below the Lights’ and ‘Monumension’

Deep Purple – ‘Now What?!’

High On Fire – ‘Blessed Black Wings’

Mastodon – ‘Leviathan’

Corrosion of Conformity – ‘In the Arms of God’

Megadeth – ‘Rust in Peace’

Pantera – ‘Vulgar Display of Power’